It had been 8 years since my last time seeing a counselor. Streak broken. My appointment was today. I felt good being back in my counselor’s office. I also felt like a failure being back in the counselor’s office. I felt relieved. I felt sad. I felt scared, and I felt empowered. So many emotions surrounding an appointment.
My appointment was at 5:00pm, which meant I had to leave work 30 minutes earlier than my normal 8:00-5:00 schedule at work. I feel guilty getting off 30 minutes early, once a week. I feel like I am not being a responsible or reliable employee. I know that it is necessary for me to heal the hurt and dig down deep inside the life I have lived, thus far, and therefore need to get over the self-imposed guilt… I guess I have another topic to discuss at counseling…
I am seeing the same counselor I was seeing over 8 years ago. What a wonderful feeling, falling into the safe space of someone I know, and that knows me.
I have terrible body image issues. I have chased a number all my life, and it is exhausting. I am exhausted. My highest weight was 252 pounds, and after bariatric sleeve surgery in 2018, and a few skin removal surgeries I got down to 135 pounds, and from a size 24 to a size 5. I am 5’3”.
I logically realize my accomplishments. I can see the difference in pictures. I know that 252 minus 135 is 117. I lost 117 lbs. I swore to myself that, “if I could only get down to 127 pounds, a size 5”, life would be different, I wouldn’t be obsessed with my weight, anymore. I wouldn’t carry this feeling, this terrible, overwhelming feeling of self-loathing, anymore… If only I could be a size 5, life would magically be perfect…..wrong!
The number I have been chasing all my adult life is 127. 127 pounds. This number is the onlything I wanted. I have lost 117 pounds and still feel like a failure. You see, I only got down to 135 pounds and needed to get down to 127…I didn’t make it…
This number has haunted me most of my adult life. I have thought about my weight, literally, every day, of every year for the last 51 years.
My first memory of being unworthy, and not skinny enough, came when I was 7 years old…What would make a 7 years old child, have THE thought that would haunt her, hurt her & define her, for 51 years?
Today, I had a counseling appointment…and I can tell you that, he too, wants me off the scale and social media for six weeks…
(I’ll tell you what… I am going to get better, or I am going to be an anxious, all consumed, puddle of low self-esteem with a debilitating body image.)
Stay tuned…
This is my story. You may have all of it, some of it, or none of it.